missthingsplace: (Default)
[personal profile] missthingsplace
 I am falling apart with her,

She was diagnosed just before Christmas and is on anti depressants, the dose of which has been upped twice since them and strong antihistamines to help her sleep. She is in a bad way, she feels she can't be trusted to be alone to the baby and to be honest so do we. She is being helped by the mental health team and her health visitor and GP and getting lots of support from them as well as us, her hubby and grandparents. Her, her husband and baby are all living with us and have been since January for the most part.

I am having a very hard time with dealing with the awful affliction, I hate seeing her so sad and unhappy. She has some good days, like today but many of them start this way and just spiral downwards, some start off bad. All i want to do so badly is find a way to take away all her unhappiness and pain, i can't bear to see her like this. 

I do all i can to help her but i am still recovering for my knee replacement so some things are limited, 

Today for example she was in the bath and baby got upset - tired more than anything and he hates to nap - and he screamed at me for 40 minutes despite everything i tried before finally giving in, If i could move around properly i could have taken him for a walk but that is out of the question at the moment. I found myself in tears because i was scared she would hear him screaming and would spiral downwards again and i so can't keep my own emotions in check when she is completely falling apart. 

My husband can't seem to understand that it is hard work being with her and baby all day, spending the whole time scared that his crying will take my daughter into that dark, horrible place again. I am not sleeping well as my knee constantly wakes me up in the night every time i move and i feel constantly shattered, My own recovery has been spent taking care of them and as much as i love them both i feel like i am falling apart too. 

I went back to work last week after seeing the surgeon,he told me it was really too soon - 8 weeks after op - but i need to get out of the house and spend time away from all the stress. He agreed if i only worked 2 days, was provided with a chair and no lifting. I for a Fit For Work note from the doctor with those instructions and work are adhering to them and she goes to her grandparents while i am at work. 

I feel terrible for needing to do this but i am honestly fearing for my own mental health right now. i just wanna curl up in bed and stay there and not just because i am so tired and i am crying so much, i am in tears as i am typing this.

She has a medication review on Friday and if they change it or add something to it - as has been suggested - then i really hope it kelps this time. 

People keep saying she will get better and i know she will but i want it to happen tomorrow, not sometime in the future. I want my daughter back. 

I am sorry for going on and on, i couldn't sleep, i just couldn't get my knee comfortable and gave up after and hour and a half, after my brain started me thinking about all this again and i needed a way to get it out of my system. 

Di xx

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